The Cage of Conditioning

 I was saddened when I first heard about the crack in the marriage of my niece, the gorgeous Shvetha Jaishankar. Memories of their wedding that happened 8 years ago rushed to my mind. It was a spectacular evening, one of joy, celebration and blessings.    She glowed beside Mahesh Bhupathi, the groom. It would sound like a story from Mills & Boon with him sweeping her off her feet when she was just about growing into womanhood. A bright girl, tall, dusky and beautiful in a very soft way, what stands out about her is the warmth and genuineness that touches her lips and eyes when she smiles. There were highly educated tambram affluent families who sought her hand for their sons. But love struck! 

We had a celeb in our family, that’s Shvetha the winner of Miss International pageant. Now we had two celebs in the family, Mahesh and her. I did brag occasionally to my close friends. We had the occasional get together at family functions and Mahesh was there at one of them. I sensed coldness in him even from a distance on the other side of the room. I chided my over working intuition. He was to himself and of course indulged in a bit of PDA with Shvetha. That satisfied us, I guess. Shvetha’s warmth with the family members and her terrific memory always pleasantly surprised me. Her intelligence, flair for sports and creative arts was there for all to see. She was the rare beauty with the brains! It hurts more to see such a person being wronged. I did not probe what went wrong but I could tell from my heart that she gave in too much into this relationship compromising her individuality, her career goals, her happiness, her everything for this man she loved and trusted. He loved her too.

 But what does happen when only one partner dilutes oneself is that the other takes him/ her for granted. So much so that he tries getting away with infidelity too as he now believes she is there for him anyways. Ghar ki murgi dal barabar, goes the wise saying. Why not have some fun on the side?  She becomes the person who is at the whims and fancy of her husband. Families over generations have always turned a blind eye when the boy strays as they actually believe its okay for the boy to stray or cheat! But the wife is always supposed to be proper, down to sporting the bindi, the mangalsutra, and the slightly non trendy clothes and so on.

 I suspect our deep rooted conditioning plays the havoc. All girls are told even before their marriage that they have to obey their husband, in-laws and the rest of the new family. The identity changes one fine morn to being someone’s wife, worse still, some men change their wife’s name post marriage! The girl gives up herself and starts afresh in a new environment bereft of familiarity and support. Judged constantly and subtly harassed to be kept under their control. If she is smart, she better hide it. Jealousy comes from unbelievable quarters like husband and mother in law who are actually supposed to be proud of her!

 Conditioning has also screamed that the man is superior to the woman in all ways. So if the wife turns out to be smarter and people outside the family sit up and take notice, that’s not comfort zone for the pompous hubby, is it? Insecurity, the devil in all relationships then takes over to complete the job! Like in this case unfortunately.     

 Shvetha will definitely come out stronger. There is a wonderful life awaiting her. The positive person that she is, life and happiness can only go upwards from here on. Best wishes my dear. We are proud of you and are with you!  Cheers!